10 Practical Ways not to Take Our Kids for Granted
When I picked up my first-grade daughter from school last Friday at 3:00 in Springfield, Ohio, the world was radically different than it was when I dropped her off that morning. The normalcy of a school day in Connecticut, the innocence of children, had been ripped apart by a gunman’s rampage. And because of that act, normalcy for all of us and the innocence of all of our children became things we could no longer take for granted.
Like most of us, I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. What could I do? I mean, what can I DO? What can any of us do?
I am powerless to erase this loss. I cannot help the precious children who lost their lives, but the truth is that I live with precious children every day. So do you. They are our children, our nieces and nephews, our neighbors. For some of us, our students or mentees or grandkids.
This might sound off, but let’s do more than hug our kids a little tighter. (Although you can bet that I’ve been hugging mine, probably to their annoyance.) Let’s resolve not to take our kids for granted, in the most practical ways we can. Here, with my friends’ terrific ideas, are some possibilities:
1. Put the device down and walk away slowly.
Really, do I NEED to check Facebook that many times a day? Could that email wait? How many opportunities have I missed with the little (or big) people in my presence, because something in a tiny rectangle seemed more interesting?
2. Listen. REALLY listen.
Andrea, a mom to young boys, says, “When they are trying to tell you something that they are so excited about (like a video game), stop what you are doing, look them in the eyes, and listen as if you find it as interesting as they do.”
3. Affirm them every day.
Joy writes about how she encourages her son verbally: “Remembering how good I feel when I’m affirmed, I try each day to elevate and affirm a positive choice my son makes to remind him that he is doing things right. I also don’t let a day go by without trying to say “I love you” at least eight times. I heard once that it takes eight positive comments to outweigh one negative, and since I can’t control what he hears from others, I try and make sure what he hears from me is affirming and encouraging.”
4. Save irritation for the big stuff.
Is my child putting himself or someone else in danger? No? Then it’s probably not worthy of my irritated voice. Loving but firm correction, maybe. But my voice doesn’t need to be an angry soundtrack to my kids. I love my friend Melody’s response: “When my children do something silly (as most children do!), instead of rolling my eyes or getting annoyed, I laugh with them and say, “Oh, I just love you!”
5. Slow down.
I’ll admit it, I am sometimes a rusher. (I prefer the word “focused.”) But there are some things we just won’t notice, some conversations that just won’t take place, until we slow down. And really, is the 30 seconds it takes to look at a bug on the sidewalk or let a child finish a thought going to put a dent in the rest of my day?
My friend Keith, a dad to little ones, says, “If I’m running late to work and they want one more story, ‘huggy or kissy’ I stop, put my things down, and give it to them. I choose to make work wait.” And Heidi, a mom of three girls, carves out time at bedtime to talk and pray with each of them. “Even though my oldest is a teenager, we still love these times together.”
6. Practice spontaneity.
I know, I know, it’s an oxymoron. But some of us need practice. I don’t think there’s a better way to be truly present with our kids than to do something spontaneous with them, whether it be silly or fun or adventurous. Katy, a mom of three, says, “Be willing to look like a fool for them. If they want to, say, play the Chuck E Cheese version of Dance Dance Revolution with you (not that I’m speaking from experience), go for it, even if you feel silly. Swim with them, run with them, dance with them. Don’t miss out.”
7. Include them whenever possible.
My husband Keith does a great job of letting our four-year-old son help him “fix” the car or rake the lawn. Does it take longer? Sure. Is it aggravating sometimes? Probably. Does the little man feel valued and important? You bet.
And my friend Gina has this great idea for dinnertime: “I let the girls each pick our dinner (within reason) one night a week. Whoever picked the meal gets to help me cook it. It takes a little longer to cook dinner but it’s well worth it.”
8. Give them meaningful responsibility.
Chores, sure. But also opportunities where their ideas, opinions, and initiative can make a difference in their family or their community. Kids can have fantastic ideas to contribute, if we take the time to ask their opinions, listen to their answers, and work with them toward solutions.
9. Eat dinner together.
Even families with teenagers and busy schedules value the space that dinnertime creates for conversation and closeness, whether it’s over chicken cordon bleu or frozen pizza. A regular question can help families practice listening to each other. My friend Tana’s family asks, “What is one new thing everyone learned today?” – even the adults! At my house we ask, “So what was everybody’s favorite thing today?” (Or as my kids like to say it, “Sowhatwaseverybodysfavoritethingtoday?”) And then we listen to the answers.
10. You tell me!
What is your favorite way to make the most of your time with the kids in your life? I’d love to hear your ideas.
It strikes me that most of this list is about developing habits that help us to be present (really present!), patient, and attentive to our kids. Contrary to what we might think, these habits won’t coddle our kids or teach them that the world revolves around them. But they will help our kids build a core of love and confidence that goes with them into the world, to give back to that world. And maybe, just maybe, our kids can make this world a radically different place.
Faith Bosland
Executive Director